A SMAC in the Face #59: A Stormy in a D-Cup

With Donald J. Trump, one-time Acting President of the US of A and fulltime leader of the MAGA movement, darling of the NRA, Evangelicals, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, anti-abortionists and any number of disaffected idiots and conspiracy theorists, election, climate change and vaccine denialists, things get messy pretty quickly.  And complicated.  So, bear with me in this long intro.

Once upon a time in 2006, Donald Trump, probably frustrated at not getting any nookie from his pre, neo- and post-natal Melania, ended up in a one-night stand with a leading porn star, one Stormy Daniels.  This was to end badly for him.  Not necessarily that night.  As I haven’t read her Full Disclosure book, I can’t give you the skinny, if that’s the right word with Donald, on his performance.  No, it came back to bite him ten years later on the eve of his winning the 2016 Pestilential erection.   

He tried to cover his arse, a technical legal term, by buying her off.  The problem was the source of his funds.  His fixer, one Michael Cohen, has already been sentenced to three years in chookie and is spitting mad.  Trump is now belatedly facing a court case in New York State, starting in March 2024.  This is slap bang (which is probably was he did to Stormy with a bit of tickle to show his softer side) in the middle of the Republican primaries.  He recently tried to get it moved to Federal court which would kick the can down the road until, he hopes, he’s Acting President again and hence untouchable and completely declassified.

And so, the countdown begins on his comeuppance on his godownance a long, long time ago.

Of the multitude of indictments that Trump is facing, the tasty one concerns the falsifying of business records when he paid off the porn star, Stormy Daniels, in 2016 to avoid embarrassing disclosures and pissing his wife off.  Now this titillating affair is raising its ugly (more on that later) head.

I suppose the genesis of all this was the whole Garden of Eden thing with the apple and the snake except his wife wasn’t involved.  Soon after marrying Melania in 2005, the icy-eyed diva from Slovenia proved she wasn’t barren by producing Barron.  She then most likely put little Donald on short rations, probably saying something like, “I might be Slavic but I’m not your slave,” showing off how much her sexy English had improved.  Now Barron was hogging all the breast action while he was left sucking on the hind teat so to speak.  Anthropologists would classify the story which evolved as emblematic of how Homo Sapiens evolved.  It was a boy meets girl story – in this case, Homo Erectus meets Homo Robustus if not Homo Robustier. 

Enter Stormy, stage left:  Pics of her new bustier bust more than adequately filling her sexy bustier hooked Donald.  It was one thing to grab them by the … , ahem, kitty cat, but this was every teenaged boy’s wet dream and he hadn’t progressed much from then.  He had just got rid of his pimples.  That her bust was fake gave Donald a big bonus.  After all, he is a connoisseur of fake – the more bigglier the fake, the better.

Enter Donald, stage centre (and stage rear and …):  The stage was set for his potential denouement ten years hence.  At this point, it was still something to brag about with the boys after a round of golf.  Ten years later with Presidential elections looming, it would be different as he would be breaking bread with the conservative Christians and he did not wish to be known as a Porn Again Christian.  He should not have worried.  The Christian right is so determined to control America that they are happy to sup with the devil himself and not with a long spoon either.  But there were other pesky personal details that he would not wish bandied about.

Enter Cohen, stage right:  Cohen, Trump’s lawyer and fixer, got on top of things right away and paid off Stormy to the tune of $130,000.  He then fudged the books at Trump’s behest to make it look kosher which was the origin of the 34 felony counts.

But that was just a one Stormy night stand.  Having walked on the wild side, he went slightly upmarket and traded Stormy for a boy’s other wet dream, namely a Playmate of the Year – in this case Karen McDougal of 1998 vintage.  She was a good vintage – full rounded but with delicate features, had a nice nose and had aged well.  The relationship lasted 10 months and she too was paid $150,000 by the National Enquirer, this time, which then did not proceed with the story.  New York State is looking into these potential charges as well.

Footnote:  In 2018 Stormy toured strip joints as part of MAHA (Make America Horny Again).  In her book, she made embarrassing disclosures about his performance and his priapic “mushroom”.  Perhaps it was these details that he didn’t want exposed. 

Melania got her white wedding as well as her White House.  She is mainlining Botox as she keeps giving The Stump the icy slit-eyed Slavic “don’t-you-dare” glare.

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