By way of introduction, I will have to give some background for those humans who are well-grounded (not that those two concepts normally belong in the same sentence, let alone reside in the same post code) and struggle to get their heads around recent illogical phenomena like how did Trump manage to become the President.
Also, the world has gone meshugga over incomprehensible financial products like cryptocurrencies that use a blockchain algorithm to maintain integrity of the product, whatever that may be. This makes it unforgeable, and in some cases like Bitcoin, the supply is capped which does not allow extra to be created at the behest of some unreliable government like Bob Mugabe and his henchmen thereby devaluing the asset – and we know how that story ended in Zimbabwe. Unfortunately, it can still be lost or stolen.
The latest hot date in the non-mainstream financial world are NFT’s. This stands for Non Fungible Token – no, it is not a small hors d’oeuvre for people who are allergic to mushrooms. A fungible object is not unique. For instance, a barrel of Brent sweet crude oil can be replaced by any other barrel in a transaction. (The exception of course is a peculiar case in South Africa. A few years ago, our strategic crude oil stocks were sold off without a transparent and competitive bid process when oil was at its lowest price in over a decade. We were earnestly told by Tiny Jou Ma Petterson, the recumbent Minister of Energy at the time, that the oil had gone stale and needed to be replaced – Hmmm. (This nearly caused the mass extinction of oil fundis who died laughing.) But I digress. A NFT is any unique digital file, be it an MP3 of the Queen saying “Phuck!” in her accent that can cut glass or a JPG of Trump’s toenail clippings, that has been encoded by a blockchain algorithm. Some crazy people then buy these digital fartefacts for ridiculous sums.
The latest to enter this Alice-in-Wonderland non-sensical world is the Trump Franchise in the form of Melania Trump, who has launched her personal range of NFTs.
That she, herself, is a NFT (Non-Phuckable Tart) should come as no surprise to Trump, ex-POTUS (Putz Of The United States) who found out 15 years ago after Barron was born that his FLOTUS (Frigid Lady Of The United States) was really just a one night stand and a Stormy relationship ensued.
And so, on the cusp of 2022 and about a year on from Trumps ignominious defeat electoral defeat by a doddering 79-year-old who seems barely sentient, it’s worthwhile looking back a year to when Trump decamped in a huff to his bolthole at Mar-a-Lago.
This is one of the reconstructed conversations between FLOTUS and POTUS:
“Vot chu mean? Chu going to play vit your little ball on golf course? Ve chust got here. I haven’t even unpacked new ‘I actually do care (sometimes)’ jacket. Vun day you go sleep, I put Novichok on your teddy. Your pal, Vlad The Impaler, he give me some. He show me how to use, big time.”
“Aw, come on Melania. I’ve already got my Maga cap on and my tough guy glove on my left hand like that pedo singer, you know the one. I want to annoy the Fake News guys from lamestream media by playing golf – you know, like Nero.”
“Ok, chu vant be hero. Chu go play vit little stick and little ball but chu don’t grab me by pussy when you get back. I know chu after chu lose.”
“Aw jeez Melania, I love it when you talk dirty with your porno Slav accent. Watcha say I don’t play golf but I sink a hole-in-one right now with my 1-wood?”
“Ne, ne. Chu vant pussy, chu phone cheap whore, Stormy. She only cost $150,000. I expensive whore – cost you plenty, plenty. Remember prenup.”
“Aw come on baby. Don’t start with that again. You’re worse than Ivana, always …”
“Don’t chu dare say Ivana in room vit me. She just a cheap Czech whore. She like Donatella Versace – too much lip filler and bad surgeon. She look like goat’s bladder. Bad enough I have to see that – vot’s the word I heard other day, ahh, simpering airhead – Ivanka every day to remember me of that beetch. She like other airhead, Diana. All Bambi in public, but behind curtain, ho, ho, ho.”
“Aw come on Melania. At least Ivana put out sometimes. With you I just got Barron and then you shut the porn shop. I don’t even get a hand job.”
“Pah! I don’t give chu hand job. Chor willy like stovepipe.”
“Hey, thanks Baby.”
“Chu fool. Not so long, chust so fucking dirty! I no touch no more. Chu vant me touch chu? Maybe put Novichok on little boy when sleep, da.”
“I give up. I’m going to play a bit of golf. Also cheat a bit. OK Melania, do what you want, just make sure there’s plenty of Big Macs for the good old boys when I get back. Hey! Lindsey! You finished polishing the golf cart? Huh? Ok, let’s go.”