TRIGGER WARNING: The excessive and egregious use of outrageous puns might lead to vomiting, induced or involuntary particularly amongst bulimics.

The best thing that can be said about the US presidential election is that the farce is over and what a farce it proved to be.  Between the dominating issues of Ukraine, the Middle East, the US Elections and that trusty old standby, the corrupt and incompetent ANC, SMAC has become about as much fun as treating piles.  It’s time to put the p (not a typo) back into fun as we move from weighty world issues to weighty personal issues.  It’s time to take a weight off our shoulders and lighten the mood as we look into the world of weight loss.  For SMAC’s take on that 3-ring circus (Ozempic, Weygovy, Rybelsus) comprising the Ozempic Games, read on.

The Biggest Loser, otherwise known as the Hunger Games, has recently been compromised by the rise of the drug cheats.  The latest mea culpa came from the diva of TV talk shows, Opera who admitted to cheating.  As the fat Jewish mamas in her audience said shaking their jowls, “Oy weybegone!  Vot a con!”  For years she was the ambassador-at-large for Weight Watchers, but has recently admitted to being a closet Ozempic user.  Qzempic is the new weight-go-to drug to diet for.

What used to be a marathon, lasting years with many weighpoints, is now over in a few effortless months.  No more counting calories or noting your weight every morning after your first pee, or nobly overcoming your cravings for delicious Danish Pastries.  In no time fat, you’ll be slim.  All you have to do is keep track of your seven-day interval between injections of one of a newfangled trio of Danish concoctions – Ozempic, Weygovy or Rybelsus.  This 3-ring circus for drug cheats will become known as The Ozempic Games

SMAC has been known to cynically define beauty in the female form as the serendipitous disposition of subcutaneous adipose tissue, but the rise of the gaunt model looking like a gulag survivor might lead to a new definition of beauty in which subcutaneous fat doesn’t feature … at all.  But I don’t think it’ll take – like heroin chic, it will exist only in the minds of the users.

But weight, there is more.  The drug started out as a treatment to control diabetes, which it does, and now there are claims that it helps with many medical conditions including cancer.  It seems to be more efficacious than holy water and better than Lilly the Pink’s medicinal compound*.

One side effect of this semaglutide is that you will have no more glutes left for men to grab hold of so women will need a large Brazilian butt lift.  Also unfortunately, once you start, you’re committed and you’ll have a lot of skin in the game.  You end up more or less the person you were – less weight but more loose skin.  Stretch marks will be the least of your problems.  You’ll have more loose skin than a Sphynx cat knows what to do with so you won’t be parading around in a sexy bikini any time soon unless you have some serious skin removal surgery.  On the plus size, there might be a market on the dark web for all that extra skin, suitably dried to be used as lamp shades or the canvas for some avant-garde artists.

But for every loser, there’s a winner in the zero sum game of the world.  And the winner is Novo Nordisk, the go to drug pusher for Qzempic, Wegogy and Rybelsus, as the medication costs roughly $1000 per month in the USA while it reputedly costs only $5 to make. 

*  For all those born after the 60s, I’ll leave you to Google it.