There are two standout features of a SONA (State of the Nation) address. 

The first is the outlandish and expensive garb of the ANC members, predominately.  Who could ever forget the wholly unsuitable yellow confection that one lady MP had poured herself into in and pulled poses for the cameras like it was the red carpet at the Oscars?  And then, of course, there was Lucy Gigaba, newly minted head of Pubic Enterprises, who took time off from videoing himself masturbating to nattily strut the catwalk looking like a debonair pilot flashing tons of pearly whites in a Peter Stuyvesant advert.  These are Marie Antoinette moments.

In recent years, these displays of self-aggrandisement and self-deception have been toned down but the self-aggrandisement and self-deception of the address and promises have not.  If things go according to script tonight, the Precedent will cherry pick some minor achievements and statistics to show that the government actually works for you.  He will then proceed to make vague promises about improving our lot and will unflinchingly look straight into the heart of the video camera while he claims that the government will clamp down on corruption – pinky promise.

With SA reeling under the impact of two years of Covid and four years of Zondo, Squirrel will have a tough time trying to hide his nuts.  Nevertheless, he will, and I predict that, once stripped of its banal rhetoric, tonight’s address will be same old, same old.  I will not be listening and all I can say is –

SONA SE MOER!

The ANC was founded on 8 January 1912 and since 1994 it has celebrated this event in an expensive masturbatory orgy of self-indulgence as befitting our newly-minted champagne Socialists.

After nearly 50 years of negotiation with the intransigent White minority, the events surrounding Sharpeville in 1960 forced the ANC to adopt a militant approach to bring about change by making the country ungovernable using military action as well as civil disobedience and violence.  The intervening years also saw the ANC move from a purely African organisation to one that accommodated all races.

The struggle violence didn’t stop with the negotiations to bring about a new dawn but actually intensified – this time the targets being threats like the IFP, a brother black organisation. 

Violence became the new normal for the new South Africa and the ANC, like doting and indulgent parents, allowed its lackeys to continue to express themselves violently and destructively whenever they were dissatisfied with their lot.  The ANC (and by extension, the country) is now reaping the whirlwind of this indulgence, where violence has become acceptable political and economic discourse and councillors, amongst others, are regularly mowed down in order for others to feed at the lucrative but foetid trough of corruption.

Along the way, the ANC has gone back to its roots by having lost just about all its white members.  Those that remain are regarded as house mlungu or useful idiots and the few coloureds and Indians left are tolerated in its pretence of multiracialism.  It has become a party of Black people for Black people and is all about the struggle for factional political power and, hence, financial advantage.

A luta continua (the struggle continues), a rallying cry for liberation organisations, and its humorous translation, a looter continues, have never been more apt for the ANC.

2020 is going to go down in history as the year that Walt went woke.  Fresh from announcing that they will be seeking a new approach to the seven dwarves of Snow White, Stella McCartney was asked to reimagine Minnie Mouse.  The result is a not quite gender-neutral Minnie but, nevertheless, a manly and assertive Minnie in a power pants suit.  They did keep the bows and their polka dots to show that they hasn’t totally lost touch with their feminine side. 

They are busy running the rule through all of their creations looking for any hint of racism, subliminal or overt, and cultural appropriation.  I wonder when they are going to drop all their animal characters when they realise that animals have feelings too.  For instance, you can’t responsibly just go around portraying bulldogs as being gruff, fierce and not too bright while French poodles are snooty and superior.

Once upon a time in the mythical country of the Western Cape …

DA toad, Albert Fritz, MEC for Community Safety in the Western Cape, has found himself in a bit of a hole.  It seems as though he jumped at the chance of pressing his suit (and other parts, I presume) on younger staff members, or so the allegations go.  Why this particularly repulsive man would imagine that young females would find him attractive is beyond comprehension.  In a slap in the face with a wet flipper, Premier Winde suspended him on the 23^rd of January and he is also the possible subject of a police investigation.  It looks like a sticky end is in the offing.

For those who believe in happy fairy tale endings, this is a happy one, just not a fairy tale one. 

No, he didn’t become a Prince.  The position of sleazeball Prince who kissed the girls and made them cry is currently taken by Prince Andrew.  Locally however, the sleazeball position is filled by Truman Prince, erstwhile Mayor of Beaufort West who trawled for young girls down the main drag (well the only drag) of Beaufort West in his 4×4 bakkie in the early 2000s.

My cynical little snails covered all the bases.  For the record, he was first pushed by the Western Cape Premier, Alan Winde, on the 1^st of March when he declared that the toad was not ‘fit and proper’ to hold a position within his executive council.  In other words, he was slimy.  He was relieved of his throne in his own little cesspool and told to leave his pad.  Facing further party disciplinary action, our wannabe prince realised that the water was getting too hot so he jumped later that day before he was fritzed.

And they all lived happily ever after – sort of.

Novaxx, the Grand Prix of pricks, is on the cusp of becoming tennis’s greatest, a GOAT*.  Butt like a goat, he is obstinate and not easily led, except by the woo woo crowd.

He first fell under the spell of the dubious Dr Igor Cetojevic, a Serbian “specialist in energetic medicine”, who demonstrated that the mere proximity of gluten weakens him.  This he proved by asking him to hold a slice of bread against his stomach.

He then fell under the sway of Pepe Imaz, a coach-cum-spiritual guide, who extolled the beneficial power of extremely long hugs amongst other things.  With this guru’s influence, he started to extoll the virtues of telekinesis and telepathy.  Maybe that’s how he manages to serve so many aces.  He believes in “gifts from a higher order, the source, the god, whatever,” and the mystical healing powers of the Pyramid of The Sun in the Bosnian town of Visoko.   It’s a pity a about all the human sacrifices that seeed to be associated with pyramids across many cultures.

He has since struck up a friendship with the wellness entrepreneur, Chervin Jafarieh, who sells all manna of natural supplements.  Djokovic has also famously claimed toxic food and polluted water could be purified through “energetical transformation, through the power of prayer, through the power of gratitude”.  This is a trick that our evangelical con-man pastors should learn.

With all this going for him its obvious that Novaxx is going to become the healthiest and wealthiest and biggest GOAT of them all.  Nadal and Federer don’t stand a chance aginst all this voodoo science.

Coming back to his vaccination issues, he is obviously not sponsored by Nike because he would have been in violation of their logo – Just Do It – having not ticked that box yet or intending to either.

*GOAT – Greatest Of All Time

Being (supposedly) good socialists amongst their many ill-formed policies, there are a number of trigger words for the EFF and the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank feature strongly on that list.  So it was no surprise that, when a World Bank loan of R11.5bn (about 0.25% of GDP) was announced to help with SA’s Covid recovery efforts, the EFF’s room temperature IQ Dlamini sprang into action like a good attack dog to denounce it on the 22^nd of January.

In his typical Rough Rider approach, Juju opined on a radio program on the 12^th January that vaccination should not be forced on anyone, just like the wearing of condoms is not compulsory.  However, with his Featherlite IQ, he failed to realise the fatal flaw in his argument – other people do have the right to insist that you wear a condom when you ‘interact’ with them and, with Covid, that interaction is happening all the time whether you like it or not.

The ANC held a gala dinner in Polokwane on the 7^th January in the runup to their annual mastubarory celebrations of their founding. With tables being sold for up to R1.2 million to pay outstanding salaries, Squirrel Ramaphosa, no great orator, was about to bore the audience with his keynote address when the power failed.  This made lots of people happy.  The RET faction quietly cheered along with the doomsayers outside of the ANC tent.  The group that smiled the most were those there that could get on with their drinking and not having to be bored by Squirrel’s laborious speech as is his style.

For once, that poster child of ANC incompetence – Eskom – wasn’t to blame, but sabotage which made the reference to Götterdämmerung particualy apt.

After weeks of speculation as to whether he would play in the 2022 Australian Open given his refusal to get vaccinated, Novac Djokovic landed in Australia on the 5^th of January.  He was immediately detained for hours before authorities took him to a government detention hotel for failure to comply with Australian entry regulations with respect to Covid.

The good news is that 2022 seems to be the year that we finally get Covid under control and learn to live with what we can’t control.  Although SA’s vaccination rates have been low – only 28% fully vaccinated and 0.8% boosted – we are probably approaching herd immunity.  The SA Medical Research Council estimates Covid deaths at nearly 300,000 or more than 3x the official death figures which implies that most people have already been infected.  This is borne out by random sampling for antibodies and that our recent fourth wave which hardly caused a ripple.